Monday, May 10, 2010

MCSD press release - F

If you want to read a lesson in how not to write a press release, go to Cal Skinner's McHenry County Blog (www.mchenrycountyblog.com/) and read last Friday's press release from the McHenry County Sheriff's Department for the death earlier that day of Philip Pagano, Metra's Executive Director who was under fire.

You would think that, with years of experience in handling police calls, a large department ought to be able to crank out a press release without embarrassing itself.

Understandably, sheriff's deputies are not English majors. Most have not graduated from college. Perhaps many haven't even gone to college which, in today's law enforcement work, is inexcusable.

Let's start with the opening sentence: "Sheriff Keith Nygren announced today that on May 7, 2010 at approximately 8:00 A.M. a Deputy Sheriff came upon a pedestrian – train fatality at the grade crossing ..."

If the Sheriff's name is going to be on a press release, then it ought to be well-written and make sense, shouldn't it? So, what's with the "... announced today that on May 7, 2010..." That day was May 7th!

Sometimes cops get so tied up with "cop language" that they don't stop to ask themselves whether what they are writing even makes any sense. If Nygren was announcing something, of course his announcement was going to be on the date of the announcement. And if he was announcing a death earlier on the same day, he doesn't have to give the day.

Wouldn't it have been much cleaner to write, "Sheriff Keith Nygren announced that a pedestrian-train fatality occurred just before 8:00 A.M. ..."?

Does the press release even need the sheriff's name as the first three words, except for the fact that it's election season?

Don't they know what time it happened? Well, just ask the engineer; he'll tell them. The train was due at the Pingree Road station at 7:53AM. The computers on the train will display the exact time the engineer locked the brakes for an emergency stop.

Did the deputy "come upon" the stopped train, or did the engineer report it, with a resulting dispatch of the deputy to the scene?

And then a little further into the announcement, "Information has been obtained that indicates that at slightly before 8 A.M., Philip entered the Metra right of way..." Philip? Philip??? Why would the press release call him by his first name?

And then this! "The engineer of the train did observe a male subject on the tracks, and entered emergency braking mode, but was unable to stop before striking Philip."

There is the classic example of cop-speak. The engineer of the train did observe", instead of "The engineer observed..."

And "entered emergency braking mode"? And "...before striking Philip."

And of the 27 passengers and employees on the train, "None of them were injured." Sorry, Sheriff. The correct grammar is "None of them was injured."

My grade for that press release? F

10 comments:

Notawannabee said...

Most cops today DO have a college degree, but nobody at the MCSO could pass your scrutiny.

You just LOOK for things to bitch about.

yagottabekidding said...

Someone with actual law enforcement experience or the grammar school teacher? What? He's not a teacher either? A horse hypnotizer? Shocking.

Unknown said...

A College Degree does not make you a better officer it just makes you promotable.

Most of the people I talk with on the street do not ask nor care if I have a College Degree.

As long as I provide public service in a professional manner and enforce the law, why should a College Degree matter?

Now any PIO should have a grasp (even without a College Degree) on how to provide information to the public in a well written statement.

Sorry Gus! I get a little hot under the collar when people say that you need a College Degree to do the job.

What you need in doing this job is common sense, the ability to listen to everyone involved, and the ability to relate with everyone on their level (acting like a human being and not the I'm the cop attitude).

Again I appreciate your standing on Law Enforcement Officers needing a College Degree but I strongly disagree with your opinion. There are alot of people who could excel in Law Enforcement and be a great officer without a College Degree.

Zane said...

The Sheriff should have had Sir Pumpkin Longshanks write the press release.

He's a great author. Very poetic. Nutty but poetic.

The whole thing resembles a Shakespearean Tragedy.

Mike said...

Nota...I doubt you are correct. I'm trying to remember the commanders with college and since Shephard and Olson retired I don't think their replacements has any degree. They both had bachelor degrees.Lowery had a Masters degree but I don't think A.Zinke has one. Of the Lt's, I know Carlson and Cedergren don't. Lutz and Miller maybe. How about Sedlack and Parth? Guys making over 100 grand and just part of the good old boys network. I would say the majority DON'T. Yes the newbies all seem to have that coveted Western Illinois Police Degree. Does that make them better than guys like me? Is there a degree in common sence? Is a degree required to be hired? Does CALEA require a degree? Speaking of CALEA, Why are other departments dropping CALEA as a waste of money?

tired....are you a English teacher?
Maybe stupid mistakes should be caught by these wonder boyz Nygren has as bosses.

Gus said...

Andy, I agree that a college degree does not automatically make anyone a better police officer or deputy. I know I am ever hopeful that colleges teach students how to think; I wish that were true.

A set of skills ought to get developed as a result of college studies. I don't mean just sitting in easy classes with your fingers crossed at exam time. I mean, digging into the work, studying, researching, seeking. And writing and expressing in an intelligent manner.

How many people, college-educated or not, say "He don't..." and "Him and me went ..."? Even teachers stand in front of students say that. I'd fire them.

yagottabekidding said...

No I am not 'an' english teacher but neither is the author of this blog.

Notawannabee said...

Radar, I did not specify the MCSO, even knowing that everything written by Gus, seems to be an attack aimed towards anything the MCSO does. Please Gus, if the MCSO does something GOOD, in your opinion, please write about it.

Read my post again. I said that most cops (being new to the career) have furthered their education and most have a degree. I sincerely believe this is correct. The competition for these police jobs is fierce. Many agencies now require either an Associates degree or combination of Military and college.

I agree with Andy. A degree does not give you the skills nor does it give you ability. I’ve seen college educated cops that couldn’t pour water out of boot with directions on the heel. Many of the best cops I knew did not have college. You don't learn people skills in college nor do you obtain experience sitting in a classroom. Doing is a much better teacher than any classroom. That being said, the waves of new people successfully hired onto agencies are comprised of mostly college grads or at least some further education. Education does make you much more attractive to a potential employer.

Since you seem to know the educational background of the deputies, maybe you could reach out to one that owns a dictionary. I doubt even the least educated sergeant would approve your press releases.

Gus said...

I would welcome the opportunity to write complimentary articles about MCSD deputies, corrections officers, employees, etc. and those in any agencies I know of.

Maybe somebody could pass along the good deeds. I used to stop and assist motorists with flat tires, out-of-gas, etc. These days deputies and cops drive right without stopping to help or inquire if help is needed.

In fact, if I can get myself elected Sheriff, I intend to know about the good things that deputies do and to sure that they are publicized.

And the deputies, the front line, will be in the spotlight.

FatParalegal said...

There's a lawyer who posts here from time to time, and he has awful spelling and grammatical errors.

I give the press release a C.